On the second day of school he came home with a PTA fundraiser. I want to stress here that I am pro-teacher, pro-education, and pro-parental involvement. Just want to make that disclaimer. I’m all about a good education.  It’s the foundation of life. I’m all about foundations too. We value education and foundations strongly in our family. I respect parents, teachers, education, and foundations.   Let’s get that out there. 

I read through the brochure. It gets pledges for him to walk laps. Walk laps during the school day. Not during recess. Not after school. Not on the weekend. They will be walking laps during the school day. 

Problem number 1 – I sent my kid to public school to learn to read and add. He already knows how to walk. He figured that out years ago. All on his own. So this fundraising activity is going to take place during the time when he would be practicing his letters or doing math. Instead of doing that, he’ll be walking around the parking lot. He’ll be getting paid to walk around the parking lot. Why can’t he get people to pledge him for academic achievement – so much money donated for As, Bs, Cs? Or how about pledging him per book read? 

Problem number 2 – I’m all about parental support. I believe reading to your child and helping them find the joy in learning is a privilege for a parent, not a chore. I’m for parents doing all they can to support educators, even financially. That’s why I pay taxes. That’s why I bought school supplies. That’s why if they asked me today to bake a million cookies for a bake sale to help build extra classroom space I’d stay up for days baking. But soliciting my friends, co-workers, neighbors, and family for money to pay my son to walk (when he should be in the classroom learning) is not what I had in mind. 

Problem number 3 – This money is going for a marquee sign in front of the school. “You know, to let parents know what is going on.” That was my explanation from a member of the PTA at my very first meeting. A marquee sign. “To let parents know what is going on.” I feel I know what is going on – they send e-mails, they send postal mail, they send fliers home. I never drive by the front of the school, so if something is not covered in the other three methods of communication (which I feel is environmentally and economically irresponsible since it is duplicated and also sent out electronically) I’m going to miss it anyway on the marquee. Marquees are for movie theatres. Why can’t this money be raised for educational technology? Why can’t this be used for educational field trips? How about building upon the current library holdings?  Why not buy violins for an extensive Suzuki program?  I’m desperately trying to determine how a marquee is going to help my son get into college with an academic scholarship.

I was about to raise my hand and suggest, humbly, to the PTA that we should consider getting a man dressed in a chicken suit to walk in front of the school as we are dropping off and picking up kids. He can carry a sign with an announcement, “CHECK YOUR E-MAIL FOR INFO”. A good sign might cost a couple hundred dollars. A man in a chicken suit is going to attract attention. And we’d only have to pay him for 5 days a week during the academic year and only for the times parents are dropping off or picking up kids. Maybe members of the PTA could volunteer a day to wear the suit for free. “It’s for your kids you know.” 

As I was ready to give my solution and suggest we use the fundraising money for something educational, or for having kids do something educational (reading books, making good grades),  I realized that having to go home and explain to my family that I’d been kicked out of the PTA on the first meeting was not something I wanted to do. Besides, Wilson really wanted to raise enough money to get a prize – a yo-yo spider that you needed to raise $150 for.

I went home and we solicited money from the family in Missouri. In just 5 minutes we had earned $325 dollars (symbolically from the family foundation business – get the poetic beauty here: education = foundation? Beautiful.) which will earn Will a prize of the spider yo-yo (estimated retail value - $1.75 at Wal-Mart) and a board game (estimated retail value - $9.99 at Wal-Mart). The marquee will be purchased I’m sure. I’m sure the spider yo-yo will break in three days time. I’m sure my child will learn to read, write, and add eventually. I’m also sure this will not be the last fundraiser I’ll be forced to hold in my true feelings about. 

I’m not sure I won’t be kicked out of the PTA.  Chris does a lot of things better than I do, and I really think this would be one of those things. PTAs like Team Players. PTAs do not like people who have worked in higher education for nine years and who know how to read educational statistics on standardized and achievement tests.

I’m just saying, if he doesn’t get into college I’ll make sure the admissions committee knows how many educational fundraisers we have under our belt. Maybe I’ll feel happier about selling wrapping paper in a few months.